So many words roll around my head when thinking of sending my son to college. Sadness. Anxiety, Loneliness. Freedom. Excitement. These are just a few but there are so many more.
I guess I can’t say sending him anymore because he is already there. We just came back from visiting and moving our oldest, Julian into Wake Forest University in North Carolina. A friend text me on my way there, saying that the feeling I would feel would be of loneliness that can’t be described- – but it would be a good lonely. What she meant was that this journey Julian is on is exciting and is required for him to grow into the young man God wants him to be.
From the decision of Julian starting spring semester and the weeks leading up to our departure, I was so busy trying to get everything he would need while living and starting school- – it never hit me that I would physically be away from him. Now don’t get me wrong Julian has travelled so much with soccer this past year, playing with Orlando City B Team, the thought of living 600+ miles away shouldn’t be such a big deal.
But It Was. It Is.
Plus it’s the next chapter for children to mostly go away for school, we knew it would be coming but it came so quick. I blinked and we were moving him in, hugging him and saying goodbye for the next few months. *SIGH*
I hadn’t cried in the weeks from when he made his decision of going to Wake Forest, I was more excited for him. Excited that he will be able to not only get a superb education and degree but be able to grow into the player he is supposed to be.
But just like all things the weekend had to end and Sunday came, and as we were walking outside to our car we all took our pictures with him in front of his dorm (which by the way is awesome), he hugged me for the last time until I will see him next and it hit me.
It’s hitting me as I type these words right now.
I couldn’t contain it anymore, I felt like a part of my heart was staying back in North Carolina.
My husband knew it was going to hit me and he just let me cry. That’s all you can do really. No words are needed, just quietness. After a while, he asked me if I was Ok, and reminded me that Julian is such a great kid and will do great. I knew what he was saying was true.
But it didn’t stop the hurt.
Being home without him is just weird as if a void is here that can’t be filled. But… it’s a good void because He needs this. He needs to grow. He needs to learn.
I trust that we have taught him and planted the seeds to bring him to this point in his life. I trust that God will continue to watch over him and bless him on his journey.
To my fellow Mamas,
This time is hard. The void will be there and will sometimes hurt- – ALOT. I mean let’s be honest, your oldest was the one who taught you along the way, especially when it came to being a mother. They are the ones who show their younger siblings the way (whether it be good or bad). They have shaped your journey through motherhood, allowing you to make mistakes and hopefully, learn from them so the same ones aren’t made with the younger ones. They along with you help you experience your firsts along with their own. The bond you have with your first born is strong, unshakeable. Things may never be the same and that’s not a bad thing, it just means that change is happening. Keep reminding yourself that change is good. It will take time to get used to. You will always love one another and though that void will never be refilled it will become manageable. At least that’s what I keep telling myself.
